BBJ.

Be it procrastination, insomnia or the looming University deadlines - it is unclear what has brought me here yet I find myself blogging my little heart out once more.

What's new?

Break-ups, excess consumptions of food and wine, unemployment and my new bestest mate: procrastination.
Basically, I'm the black Bridget Jones.

Some things have not and probably will never change though...like my overuse of the semi-colon and how all my money seems to shoot out of my card quicker than Rik Waller's diarrhoea.

The cure to a broken heart is still unknown however here are some top tips which I have discovered due to having mine ripped out while I was definitely not under anaesthetic, trod on, broken into tiny pieces and then shoved back in. Cheers, c*nt (as you can see I am not at all bitter and completely over it).

Post break-up DOs:

- Do drink as much wine as you can get your hands on. No need to stop at one modest glass, keep drinking until the whole relationship is a distant blur.
- Do put on Rihanna in this situation and no one but Rihanna (see don'ts).
- Do dutty wine around your room and pretend you're Rihanna. You practically are anyway so really go for it. It is completely acceptable to strip down to your bra and knickers whilst singing in a Jamaican accent.
- Do delete his number. And the text thread. And the call register. In extreme cases, you will have memorised the number, in which case switch some of the numbers round. You're less likely to text knowing it'll go to a random stranger/potential murderer.
- Do spend as much time as possible with the girls (see next point).
- Although it is clearly the absolute end of the world. You already know this and wallowing in a pit of your own self-pity only emerging for crisps, chocolate and diet coke will not only make you fat and ugly but eventually you will become a social retard and start listening to Susan Boyle.
- Do go out! Going out is fun. It is completely healthy to hate every man in the club because of your current situation but cocktails/wine/shots are actually medicinal for heartbreak. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Post break-up DON'Ts:

- Adele. I know, I know, everything she says is so true and relevant. But unless she's going to bung you a few thousand to get your ex taken out, she is no use to you. You know it is bordering into addiction when you know every word and when the instrumental to Someone Like You starts and you've already brewed a tear. Turn it off.
- Do not by any means send wine-fuelled texts expressing your hate/love. YOU WILL REGRET IT IN THE MORNING. Write the text out and then hide your phone, if you still want to send it in the morning, do but I can guarantee it you won't want to.
- Do not follow my example and replace sex with snacks. You will get fat and die. One of those was a lie but it's important you remember that no one will want you if you're 24stone with a failed gastric band.
- Do not watch too many rom-coms. They're like Disney films: enjoyable but completely disillusional of real life. Remember, they're made by Americans! Enough said.
- Do not try and bottle up how you feel. That's what your girls are there for. How many times have you been on the end of it? It is seriously helpful to pick every last fault in your ex and compare him to as many zoo animals as possible with your galdem.

The main thing to remember is you are not in fact dying and although it doesn't feel like it at all, you will get your smile back - it may take its time but it will come and until then...Pinot Grigio.

Just look at our Bridget :)